A friend of mine sent this to me because it had to do with figure skating and Mean Girls. Right up my alley, right? Yes. Except Cosmo got it ALL WRONG. Of course, there’s an American bias for the audience of this article, but please, no one envies the U.S. women’s team right now. They’re up and coming, not at the top as The Plastics are. I considered putting the Holy Trinity (Mao Asada, Yuna Kim and Carolina Kostner) as The Plastics but these three are above that. After all, the Mean Girls squabble is amongst girls, not ladies, so consider the Holy Trinity as the ones who are way beyond the league of anyone in high school and have already graduated and gone to university, which is, undoubted wayyy better than high school.
The Plastics = Julia Lipnitskaia, Adelina Sotnikova, Elena Radionova
In any case, the *real* plastics are the ones who find themselves at the top of the food chain and at the moment, the ones that fit this description are a trio of Russian ladies, Yulia Lipniskaia, Adelina Sotnikova and Elena Radionova.
With Adelina’s success at the Olympics, she is the real Regina George. Both Julia and Elena have done very well in the senior and junior ranks this season and with Adelina’s success and the retirement of a lot of ladies, it’s likely that the Russian ladies will make quite a splash next season. Or at junior and senior Worlds this year. So forget the American ladies, the ones to look out for next season are the Russians (especially Elena since she has so much star power and technique).
Cady Heron = Gracie Gold
The ingenue seeking to topple the trio at the top and our Cady Heron, would be none other than Gracie Gold. Gracie has shown that she has the technique and resolve but she’ll have to keep working on her consistency and expression to fight her way to the top. Just like how no one knew Cady’s name on the first day, no one felt Gracie was a contender for a medal at the beginning of this season. But then she won U.S. Nationals and everyone started paying attention to her, rather than her teammate, Ashley Wagner.
Janis Ian and Damian Leigh = Lori Nichol and David Wilson
Sure, Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir have cool things to say when commentating but for Janis and Damien, the creative and awesome types, I’d say that their skating equivalents would be famed choreographers, Lori Nichol and the eccentric David Wilson. Besides, as choreographers, they’re supposed to support you and help you take down your competitors.
Ms. Norbury = Marina Zueva
Marina is a pusher. In the sense that she’s pushed ice dancer further than anyone can imagine in the last Olympic cycle.
The Cool Asians = The Japanese men
Since we’ve established that Mao and Yuna are too cool for this girlish squabble, the Japanese men will have to take their place as the cool Asians. I mean, look at them! They can be a popular boy band if they wanted to!
The Sexually Active Band Geeks = Tessa Virtue & Scott Moir (Carmen Mode)
I mean, have you seen this free dance?
Kevin Gnapnoor = Javier Fernandez
A dork but proud of it!
Aaron Samuels = Yuzuru Hanyu
I guess I’ll give this one to Cosmo. If Adelina’s Regina then Aaron will have to be Yuzuru based on the Olympic result.
Glen Coco = Jason Brown OR Ashley Wagner
Jason Brown does make sense seeing that his LP did go viral, just as the lines about Glen Coco did. But then again, if we’re talking about memes and going viral, Ashley Wagner did that this season too…
Cady’s Parents = Nathalie Pechalaat & Fabian Bourzat
Nathalie and Fabian are at the retirement age and are pretty cool. And nice people. I know that from first-hand experience.
Regina’s Mom = Mae Berenice Meite
Someone who tries to be relevant in the skating world but isn’t quite there…
Mr. Duvall = Whoever you want
Because it’s almost 4 (PST), and they can’t keep you past that time.
Who would be your skating equivalents for the characters of Mean Girls? Tell me in the comments!
~The Rinkside Cafe