In Soviet Russia, Polar Bears Use You!

So as I was wandering around the intertubes, I found this: a list of 10 possible choices for Sochi 2014’s mascot. Of course, I had to look through all of the choices and while I did, there were obviously some snarky comments that popped into my head because that’s just the way I am. So here we go.

1. Santa

Doesn’t the Coca-Cola company own Santa? I smell a lawsuit… unless naming this dude Father Frost saves you from that. I should ask my lawyer-in-training friend about this… In any case, may I note that this Santa is super fashion forward? I love the floral patterns on his coat. Just in time for spring. Except… he’s supposed to be the mascot for the *Winter* Olympics.

2. Teddy

Awww… what’s more classic than a teddy bear? Apparently this guy opened a sports school in the Zapovedny Forest (how am I going to pronounce all these Russian names when they pop out at me in 3 years!?) to make all the beasts there fitter. Then again, being fat has its advantages when being an animal. It’s called blubber and hibernation. This teddy should try it sometime. I know that I wish humans would hibernate during the winter.

3. Fire Boy and Snow Girl

These two remind me of the weird, sparkly fire and water effects that were used in a production of The Magic Flute. Sans the sparkles. I think they need sparkles. What happened to the Russian tradition of putting too many sequins on their costumes? They should go see Edward and see what he does to his skin. Speaking of skin, the description attached to these two seem rather obsessive with their skin colour. And I thought the Russian government was trying to downplay its racial issues these days…

4. A Polar Bear

Dear Sochi,

You’re a summer resort for Russians and you can count on a hand or two the number of days that go below zero degrees celsius in an entire year. Why are you hosting a Winter Olympics? (Although admittedly, Vancouver is pretty warm but at least it’s not close to a zone with a history of violent conflict.)

5. Snow Leopard

This guy makes me think of two things:

1. The Mac OS

2. The Cheetos Cheetah

6. The Twitter Bird

Ok. So this is what I think what the Russian designers for the mascot did. They thought up of some fuzzy animals (and little children with pale and amber skin) and then they ran out of ideas for mascots. And then, Eureka. Someone goes, “Hey! Technology is cool!” and they found a few more fuzzy animals related to technology like the snow leopard and the Twitter bird and used them as possible mascots. Someone tell me that I’m not going crazy and that the first thing you thought of when you saw this bird was Twitter.

And the narrative continues. After thinking about cute animals related to technology, the designers got stumped again and so they got some vodka. And this is what they came up with…

7. A Skiing… Dolphin!? WTF?

How does this even work?

8. The Sun!?!?

Ok, you guys seriously need to lay off the vodka.

9. Bowling Pins

These things are almost creepier and uglier than Wenlock and Mandeville, the London 2012 mascots and that’s saying something. (I had to find a picture of those London… things and was shocked at how horrendous looking they were… even though I’ve already seen them.) These guys are supposed to be matryoshka dolls but all I can say is that they’re terribly fugly. I don’t know where to start my comments… should I talk about the hobo stubble on the blue hockey player, their bathtub porcelain bodies or the fact that they look nothing like matryoshkas. I don’t know, all I do know is that these things are ugly as f$%@.

10. BUNNY!

Ok, a mascot that wasn’t conceived on vodka. They need to take this bunny to the Japanese who will make this so cute that it’s illegal.

You know what I’d like to see for the Sochi mascot? The use of those wing patterns on the Team Russia Jackets. Maybe turn the thing into a fire or thunderbird or something. I’m sure the Russians can fabricate some sort of story about how it relates to the country’s origins and whatnot.

Thoughts? I’d love to hear them!

~The Rinkside Cafe

6 Comments (+add yours?)

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